It's technically monday

Sometimes there are so many things going on in my head, I can't think straight. I'm simultaneously thinking about my future, my past, my friends, my current situations, how I could have done things differently, and also how I can make myself/ my life better.

I have a hard time slowing down my thoughts, especially when I'm alone, and am not doing anything, or not 'distracted' by something else. Tv, games, people, these are some of the things that I find to distract myself.

Today my thinking was around my 'dating' life. I've always thought I had standards that were average, or at least, not too high. I still don't think their that high.

 I recently started dating someone, and I'm in a different spot then him in the 'dating' scene. I'm his first official Girlfriend, which is kind of hard for me, since I've had 3 serious boyfriends in the past. A couple in high school, and one out of high school. I have more of an idea of what I want, and what I know I don't want. He still has no idea. I don't date to just date, I date with the prospect that I can see myself with that person someday.

 I've come to the realization that my 'religion' is very important to me. (I put religion in quotations, because it's not so much the religion itself, it's more the relationship I have with God.)

I want to be with someone who supports my moral decisions, usually based around Christ's teachings, or commandments. Another thing is that I want someone I can pray with, someone who will pray for me when I need it. Someone who I can do 'study's' with, someone who I can share those types of things with, and share the same general ideas/ beliefs as me.

I think part of the reason I feel I need this in a partner, is that I'm afraid that if I can't share this with them, it will fall under the radar for myself. I KNOW that I can't have that, my depression is worse when I'm not living the life that God has created for me. I can't imagine how bad I would get if I cut all that out of my life completely, I need to never find that out. 

I'm always so tempted to tell my boyfriends that they shouldn't feel 'obligated' to come with me to church, or whatever. But what I need to be saying, is that it's really important to me, that I need them to be at the very least, on board, and supportive of this for me.

I mean I know that most people try to not get things too serious, I mean after all you're 'just dating', but to me it's not just dating. Maybe I'm different then most, but every guy I call my Boyfriend, has the potential to be my husband someday. I guess you could say I date to marry, which I find to be the best way, less change of a broken heart for me. 

My last boyfriend, I'd known him for years, he grew up in our church, I thought he had the same beliefs as me, and maybe deep down he did. But he didn't act on any of that, and would never go to  church with me when I asked. In the end I ended up breaking it off from him, he wasn't the type of man I needed. I needed someone to support me. As I've said up there. 

So my new boyfriend, I have also known for quite a few years. It feels like fate that we're where we are right now, I'm just not sure for how long. I know and have know his core beliefs for years, which are not centered around the same things as me. Which I can already see as a problem. I don't want either of us compromising our 'faith', but I'm not sure what other choice there is. I need someone who has the same Core as myself. Believing in God, and that he send Jesus, and that Jesus was his Son. He died for our sins, past present, and future. If we believe that, we'll get to heaven, and God will make the best of our broken lives and choices. 

I guess all I can do is keep praying.