Depression

So I think i've mentioned in the past that I suffer from depression. If I haven't, then I'm telling you now.
Depression has been one of the hardest things that has ever happened in my entire life. At times it causes me to question my entire existence, and if anyone really loves me, or would miss me. There have been moments (very few) when I have seriously considered ending my life; to simply stop the pain that was radiating in my heart throughout all my limbs, causing me to feel numb everywhere. I would get to a certain point where my eyes would refuse to cry anymore.

I'm going to tell you about one night when this happened to me.
I'm a little hazy on the details, but I'll relay what I do remember.

It was when I was in college, about half-way through the year I think. Things were really hard in my life, I was living in student housing, and was not with my family. Living about an hour away from them at this school. I was 'being my own person' during this year. Having been 'dumped' the summer before school, it was already a very tough year for me. I ended up being intimate with people I had ever really wanted to, having had these things happen; I was beginning to feel like I had 'ruined' my life, myself in general. I had begun a 'friendship' with a guy (we'll call him Bob) We lived in the same building, and I began to spend a fair amount of time together. If i'm being completely honest, I'm not sure how much I actually liked him. I mean, I liked him as a friend, but as not much more. I think I just liked having someone close I could talk to, and have hug me and hold me. (As I said before, this year had been a very hard one more myself)

Getting to the actual night.
Me and Bob had been in my dorm room, watching a movie, cuddled up together. I was feeling particularly down that day. Mind was racing with things that had gone wrong recently, how there were so many things I hated about myself and that others must as well hate. I was feeling lonely (even though Bob was right there.) I honestly felt like my entire life was pointless.
Who would miss me if I was gone?
Would it even matter, why would anyone miss me?
I'm a depressed sack of crap who always brings people down.
I won't have to worry about finding someone to Love me.

We had finished the movie, and I had ended up silently crying; laying on his chest. I asked if I could turn on some music to calm me down. So I put on a band called Micah Talks. They have some super soothing music. (I still put it on sometimes to help me fall asleep.) This time the music was 'too soothing' if that makes sense. I was in a state of mind I had never been in before. I knew I wanted to do it that night. I knew that I wasn't afraid to die. I knew that God was watching over me. (though at the time I didn't know it was to save me.)  At this point I had stopped my bawling, and I was just laying there, all stoic. I told Bob that I wanted him to leave. He asked me why. "I need you to leave Bob, I need to be alone now." The look in his eyes at that moment; I had to look away. He grabbed onto me and hugged my emotionless body, crying more into my hair and chest louder then I have ever heard anyone cry. (other then myself) He told me he loved me, told me everything he loved about me. told me he needed me. In a half hour or so I eventually began to feel again, I saw how much Bob cared for me, how much I meant to him.
In truth; I think God was there that night, right there with me and Bob.
I don't know what would have happened if he had left when I told him to.

I'm happy to say though that things are totally different now. I still have my moments, as I've stated in past posts; have never come that close to those feelings again.

I want to share something I found online tonight which prompted this Post. This is one of the most spot-on things I've ever read about depression. I hope that this is as helpful for everyone else as it was for me. :)

20 things to remember if your loved ones suffer from depression
http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/20-things-remember-your-loved-ones-suffer-from-depression.html


Talk soon!