Things may have changed

You know how when you're reading a book, and the main character has some life changing realizations that completely change them?

Well I didn't have one of those, but I think I've had many small versions in the past.

I suffer from depression, sadly enough I have come to another round of it being it's worst. I think it's brought on when I have a rush of feelings that I don't know how to handle. Maybe  I've never really learned how to handle my emotions, and maybe that's why I always have a hard time keeping them in check.
I think one of the hardest emotions for my brain/subconscious/soul to figure out is Love. Maybe it's not love, maybe it's obsession, or fascination, or simply the attention someone is giving me.

Let me walk you through how 'I handle' what some might call 'Love.'

I become, very clingy which some might categorize as overbearing, maybe obsessive. I have a hard time having many friends. So when I find someone who accepts me, for me, and who will enjoy my stupid personality and all the baggage that comes with me, i have a hard time giving them the breathing room they probably need. I find myself wanting to tell them everything, to spend all my time with them, and I see that that is unhealthy.
It's hard for me, because when I feel alone, my depression comes to a head. I find myself crying, when there's no good reason, thinking 'why are they not talking to me', 'why are they ignoring me'
When in reality, these things are not what I should be dwelling on, I should be dwelling on the fact that they love me, that they want to talk to me, that they want to spend time with me.

I'm not sure if it's because of the depression that I think like this, or if thinking like this has caused the depression, but I do know that I need to find a way to stop.

To make things even more open,
I used to be someone who would cut. If people have never done it, they will never understand why people do it. It's something I did to try and control my emotions, to put an actual 'thing' to the pain. If I were to hurt myself, then I can justify that the pain I feel inside is related to the pain I felt outside.
There were times that I would do it in hopes of being caught, and there were other times that I didn't want anyone to know, and I was only ever doing it for me.
There have been people in my life who knew me during this phase of my life, and I look back on it now, and I just feel so bad for them to have to deal with me. Because I was never in my right mind when I had that in my head. I put them through hell, crying to them about my problems that they couldn't do anything about, because they were all internal struggles. showing them my scars hoping they would pity me, and love me because that's all I had wanted in the first place.  When they told me they did Love me, it wasn't enough, and I would end up doing it again, cause I was still hurting so much, it needed to become physical before it made me Mad.

I've thought that I was long past that, especially after having seen a friend get to a place where she was saying she wanted to die. Having cut so deep that we had to call the suicide people to come help her, we were afraid we would lose her.

Even after all that, after all my episodes, I still had the urge to do it a few days ago, because of my brains inability to deal with a new Love/infatuation/crush/obsession. Even after having talked with my new 'love' and sorting some things out, my soul longs to have someone now. Someone right in the moments I need them, which is one of the most selfish things about myself if I'm admitting things. I want someone when I need them, I want to be able to snap my fingers and just have my special someone there with me so I can hug them, hold them, and be completely free of the person I have to be around all other people.

I think realizing these things about myself is the first step in becoming different towards it. Now I just need the help of the people who love me, God, and prayer, and possibly a councillor in the future.


In God, it's all Possible <3