It's technically monday

Sometimes there are so many things going on in my head, I can't think straight. I'm simultaneously thinking about my future, my past, my friends, my current situations, how I could have done things differently, and also how I can make myself/ my life better.

I have a hard time slowing down my thoughts, especially when I'm alone, and am not doing anything, or not 'distracted' by something else. Tv, games, people, these are some of the things that I find to distract myself.

Today my thinking was around my 'dating' life. I've always thought I had standards that were average, or at least, not too high. I still don't think their that high.

 I recently started dating someone, and I'm in a different spot then him in the 'dating' scene. I'm his first official Girlfriend, which is kind of hard for me, since I've had 3 serious boyfriends in the past. A couple in high school, and one out of high school. I have more of an idea of what I want, and what I know I don't want. He still has no idea. I don't date to just date, I date with the prospect that I can see myself with that person someday.

 I've come to the realization that my 'religion' is very important to me. (I put religion in quotations, because it's not so much the religion itself, it's more the relationship I have with God.)

I want to be with someone who supports my moral decisions, usually based around Christ's teachings, or commandments. Another thing is that I want someone I can pray with, someone who will pray for me when I need it. Someone who I can do 'study's' with, someone who I can share those types of things with, and share the same general ideas/ beliefs as me.

I think part of the reason I feel I need this in a partner, is that I'm afraid that if I can't share this with them, it will fall under the radar for myself. I KNOW that I can't have that, my depression is worse when I'm not living the life that God has created for me. I can't imagine how bad I would get if I cut all that out of my life completely, I need to never find that out. 

I'm always so tempted to tell my boyfriends that they shouldn't feel 'obligated' to come with me to church, or whatever. But what I need to be saying, is that it's really important to me, that I need them to be at the very least, on board, and supportive of this for me.

I mean I know that most people try to not get things too serious, I mean after all you're 'just dating', but to me it's not just dating. Maybe I'm different then most, but every guy I call my Boyfriend, has the potential to be my husband someday. I guess you could say I date to marry, which I find to be the best way, less change of a broken heart for me. 

My last boyfriend, I'd known him for years, he grew up in our church, I thought he had the same beliefs as me, and maybe deep down he did. But he didn't act on any of that, and would never go to  church with me when I asked. In the end I ended up breaking it off from him, he wasn't the type of man I needed. I needed someone to support me. As I've said up there. 

So my new boyfriend, I have also known for quite a few years. It feels like fate that we're where we are right now, I'm just not sure for how long. I know and have know his core beliefs for years, which are not centered around the same things as me. Which I can already see as a problem. I don't want either of us compromising our 'faith', but I'm not sure what other choice there is. I need someone who has the same Core as myself. Believing in God, and that he send Jesus, and that Jesus was his Son. He died for our sins, past present, and future. If we believe that, we'll get to heaven, and God will make the best of our broken lives and choices. 

I guess all I can do is keep praying. 

Another Random Rant based around past events.

So today was a normally boring day for me; I did my usual sleeping fairly late, watching tv, making little brackets and doing other random pointless things.
But today was also different then most, as I had an actual 'date.'  Well, I'm not sure if it was your conventional normal date.
See we've known each other for about 6 and a half years, which sounds like a lot, but for at least 3 we didn't communicate much.  Being busy with school, or work, or simply forgetting the great friendship we have.

Let me give some context.
Grade 10 was the year that we met and became friends.  (we'll call him Tom) I had met him when I started dating one of his friends.(boyfriend a) Looking back on it, the boyfriend was not a great boyfriend, he didn't really want a girlfriend. Though it was grade 10, so I can see most people not wanting to be serious with anyone at that age. Anyway, I started to become good friends with Tom, ending up talking to him about Boyfriend A and we bonded, and he became my best friend. Tom and another friend, we became inseparable. We called ourselves the 3 musketeers. I would go to Toms house and we would go on Xbox Live and play games with all the 'guys' in our group, including boyfriend A. Time passed, about 9 months, and me and Boyfriend A broke up. (I was dumped on the cold floor to be honest.) Our friends felt the need to 'take sides.' Me being the shining star, and amazing person I am, actually ended up 'stealing' (as some called it at the time) his friends. So I went on through grade 11 with friends who had chosen me, and I also had Tom. Tom had become a staple in my life. Time went on and we realized that Tom had feelings, I unfortunately did not reciprocate. He understood, and we kept our relationship as it had been. Grade 11 had been a year filled with times where I regret doing things to hurt him, though he never faltered. Still there with me.
Grade 12 had started as a great year, things were the same as before. Half way through, Tom introduces us to someone new, someone he had been friends with for a while. Boyfriend B is who he would become. I instantly had a crush on Bf B, and began to focus my attention on him. Tom and I drifted apart while I tried to get Bf B to ask me out. Months past, and eventually Bf B asked me out. The hardest part was telling Tom. I had always known how he felt, but I needed to tell him myself, for fear of him finding out from someone else.
The rest of the year me and Tom barely talked. When Grad came around it was hard to see him there. We didn't talk much at all, and It was okay on my end, I mean I had Bf B, I thought I didn't need Tom.
Fast forward about a year, and I had been dumped by Bf B. I was to go to school in the fall, and I would be living in residence. I had heard from someone that Tom was also going to be going to school there. So I messaged him, and made small talk.
When move in day came for school, we met up and it was so good too see him. He was using this year to meet new people, and step out of his comfort zone. I'm not sure if he played it cool seeing me on purpose, or if he wanted to distance himself from me, for fear of recent events replaying themselves. Either way, the year began. We would meet at the school pub once and while, and hangout a few times.
At some point during the year I realized that I was sad he wasn't in my life more. I asked him over to hangout, and I kissed him. He said he didn't want that for us, and surprisingly it was his turn to break my heart.

We stopped talking again for a while, we went for coffee sometime last year, and vowed to do it again, but hadn't.
Well about a week ago, we hung out, went out for a drink, and we both had a great time.

Long story short, in the end, we got to talking about our past, and how we were never in the right places at the right times to give 'us' a go. We decided that we were both in a place where we wanted to give it a try.

So here I am. Writing this after my first 'official' date with Tom. We went to dinner, and then went to a movie, and it was so relaxing, and just felt really great to spend that time with him.

There's a reason for everything, and I know the past 6 years have been leading to something. Now I just need to pray and try and figure out what it is.

Depression

So I think i've mentioned in the past that I suffer from depression. If I haven't, then I'm telling you now.
Depression has been one of the hardest things that has ever happened in my entire life. At times it causes me to question my entire existence, and if anyone really loves me, or would miss me. There have been moments (very few) when I have seriously considered ending my life; to simply stop the pain that was radiating in my heart throughout all my limbs, causing me to feel numb everywhere. I would get to a certain point where my eyes would refuse to cry anymore.

I'm going to tell you about one night when this happened to me.
I'm a little hazy on the details, but I'll relay what I do remember.

It was when I was in college, about half-way through the year I think. Things were really hard in my life, I was living in student housing, and was not with my family. Living about an hour away from them at this school. I was 'being my own person' during this year. Having been 'dumped' the summer before school, it was already a very tough year for me. I ended up being intimate with people I had ever really wanted to, having had these things happen; I was beginning to feel like I had 'ruined' my life, myself in general. I had begun a 'friendship' with a guy (we'll call him Bob) We lived in the same building, and I began to spend a fair amount of time together. If i'm being completely honest, I'm not sure how much I actually liked him. I mean, I liked him as a friend, but as not much more. I think I just liked having someone close I could talk to, and have hug me and hold me. (As I said before, this year had been a very hard one more myself)

Getting to the actual night.
Me and Bob had been in my dorm room, watching a movie, cuddled up together. I was feeling particularly down that day. Mind was racing with things that had gone wrong recently, how there were so many things I hated about myself and that others must as well hate. I was feeling lonely (even though Bob was right there.) I honestly felt like my entire life was pointless.
Who would miss me if I was gone?
Would it even matter, why would anyone miss me?
I'm a depressed sack of crap who always brings people down.
I won't have to worry about finding someone to Love me.

We had finished the movie, and I had ended up silently crying; laying on his chest. I asked if I could turn on some music to calm me down. So I put on a band called Micah Talks. They have some super soothing music. (I still put it on sometimes to help me fall asleep.) This time the music was 'too soothing' if that makes sense. I was in a state of mind I had never been in before. I knew I wanted to do it that night. I knew that I wasn't afraid to die. I knew that God was watching over me. (though at the time I didn't know it was to save me.)  At this point I had stopped my bawling, and I was just laying there, all stoic. I told Bob that I wanted him to leave. He asked me why. "I need you to leave Bob, I need to be alone now." The look in his eyes at that moment; I had to look away. He grabbed onto me and hugged my emotionless body, crying more into my hair and chest louder then I have ever heard anyone cry. (other then myself) He told me he loved me, told me everything he loved about me. told me he needed me. In a half hour or so I eventually began to feel again, I saw how much Bob cared for me, how much I meant to him.
In truth; I think God was there that night, right there with me and Bob.
I don't know what would have happened if he had left when I told him to.

I'm happy to say though that things are totally different now. I still have my moments, as I've stated in past posts; have never come that close to those feelings again.

I want to share something I found online tonight which prompted this Post. This is one of the most spot-on things I've ever read about depression. I hope that this is as helpful for everyone else as it was for me. :)

20 things to remember if your loved ones suffer from depression
http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/20-things-remember-your-loved-ones-suffer-from-depression.html


Talk soon!

Veggie Tales?

Okay so the title doesn't have anything to do with this post, other then the fact that I'm listening to them right now!

The past few weeks have been a super confusing time for me. Emotionally, I have been hurt, loved, and hurt again, and also hurt other people.
It's funny how the word Love can cause so much heartache. I think that if we truly loved the people we say we do, there would be a lot less hurt. We would find ways to try not to hurt them, I mean, my best friend; lets say I have to tell them something important, I'm obviously going to look for the way that I THINK will hurt them less. I think a lot of people these days say the important things in a less important way. Like over a text, or a email. We should NEVER be doing this. As much as it's convenient to be able to just 'tell' them right then, we should always be saying these important things to their faces. Where we can react to their facial expressions, offer hugs, or be able to explain ourselves.
I recently sent someone a fairly heartbreaking message (over text) and they read it at work. I didn't even think of the connotations that this would have. Reading this message in their car while they ended up crying.
Then they had to go to work for the rest of the day having this message on their mind. I mean, how selfish is this of me to put that kind of weight on them.

It's just so easy to do this type of thing these days, but we need to think about how we would feel receiving the messages we're sending.

I think what we need to do is write a LETTER a physical piece of paper, because if we know we'll want to say this later, we can re-read it to them, or we could give it to them in person, so you can both then talk about it. without the middleman of technology translating.
How many times have you mistaken what someone said because of the lack of emotion that people can give in a text message/email.

Thoughts over for the day !

More change. In the weather I mean.

So the other day I was talking to a friend, and he said to me "What do you think would be a good name for me?" I'm thinking, 'well the name you have is pretty good, it matches you, ya know.'
 But it ends up, he was serious, serious as in, he legally wants to change his name.
So naturally, I ask him, 'Why?'

Okay, in my mind, there's no reason I would ever change my name, I mean, why..?  It's your identifier, the way people know you, your name is one of the first things you learned, especially about yourself.

To continue, he told me that he felt he needed a 'fresh start,' and that he felt that when he moved away, if he changed his name, he would be able to have a new start. He wants to cut all ties to current friends, get new Facebook, Skype, and email.

Now I have talked with someone else about this, and we have come to the conclusion that he is seeking attention. This is hard enough for the type of person who likes to share things, and talk about what they're feeling.
But with this guy, it's even harder because he has this need to keep everything inside himself. He doesn't believe in telling professionals his problems. "People don't want to listen to other peoples problems." So he especially doesn't want to pay someone to listen to his problems.

This for me is the hardest to understand. I mean, I can see he suffers from depression and maybe some social anxieties, but refusing to face them, will just make his life harder. He wants to run away from it all, pretend like his 'past' mistakes never happened. I mean, I can understand how he may have this illusion, wanting to get away from everything, most people turn to alcohol, some turn to drugs.
Though we all know that no 'escape' is the right way to go about all of this.

So I write this mostly to tell someone, but usually this helps me come to some kind of 'conclusion.'
Though this time I have no idea what to do, no idea how to 'council' this guy.

All I can do is Pray. Which can be quite disheartening without results, but maybe something is going on behind the scenes.

Edit:
Talked with him tonight, he seems to be open to talking to me, and allowing me to 'help' if I can.

Well after having posted yesterday, I feel a slight urge to do it again.
Just a simple little thing, kind of like a virtual diary for me, I mean I highly doubt anyone will read any of this.

Today I woke up, and the feeling of sadness that usually comes with my depression was replaced with something else. I'm not sure the word closest to this feeling, but it may be, numbness?

I feel nothing, almost as if all emotions are switched off. I think of something that would have earlier caused a fit of tears, and nothing. My face is stoic, and my feelings dissipated. Maybe this is a closer step to getting back to my 'normal' self, where I'm not instantly crying.
But today just feels not right. I want to crawl into bed and sleep for weeks, and not because I'm tired from crying, simply because I feel there's nothing else worth doing. Which is absurd, because I KNOW that's not true. I have a loving family who would love to talk to me, a handful of friends who would love the same.

Maybe even some people I wouldn't categorize as 'friends' would want to be with me. I think sometimes I don't give people the benefit of the doubt. I always think, 'oh they don't really like me, it's just work, or school.' When in reality, this person would probably enjoy seeing me outside of those situations as much as I would enjoy seeing them.

So why do I continue to keep so many people at arms length?

It appears that this is something I need to change. God has put so many amazing people in my life, so why am I keeping these people from getting close to me? Why do I feel the need to decide who is allowed to be 'my friend' and who isn't. God has decided this, God has made everything work this way for a reason. I know the people I know for a reason, I have loved the people I have loved for a reason. Nothing is by chance.

Another realization by writing out my emotions. God is good.

Things may have changed

You know how when you're reading a book, and the main character has some life changing realizations that completely change them?

Well I didn't have one of those, but I think I've had many small versions in the past.

I suffer from depression, sadly enough I have come to another round of it being it's worst. I think it's brought on when I have a rush of feelings that I don't know how to handle. Maybe  I've never really learned how to handle my emotions, and maybe that's why I always have a hard time keeping them in check.
I think one of the hardest emotions for my brain/subconscious/soul to figure out is Love. Maybe it's not love, maybe it's obsession, or fascination, or simply the attention someone is giving me.

Let me walk you through how 'I handle' what some might call 'Love.'

I become, very clingy which some might categorize as overbearing, maybe obsessive. I have a hard time having many friends. So when I find someone who accepts me, for me, and who will enjoy my stupid personality and all the baggage that comes with me, i have a hard time giving them the breathing room they probably need. I find myself wanting to tell them everything, to spend all my time with them, and I see that that is unhealthy.
It's hard for me, because when I feel alone, my depression comes to a head. I find myself crying, when there's no good reason, thinking 'why are they not talking to me', 'why are they ignoring me'
When in reality, these things are not what I should be dwelling on, I should be dwelling on the fact that they love me, that they want to talk to me, that they want to spend time with me.

I'm not sure if it's because of the depression that I think like this, or if thinking like this has caused the depression, but I do know that I need to find a way to stop.

To make things even more open,
I used to be someone who would cut. If people have never done it, they will never understand why people do it. It's something I did to try and control my emotions, to put an actual 'thing' to the pain. If I were to hurt myself, then I can justify that the pain I feel inside is related to the pain I felt outside.
There were times that I would do it in hopes of being caught, and there were other times that I didn't want anyone to know, and I was only ever doing it for me.
There have been people in my life who knew me during this phase of my life, and I look back on it now, and I just feel so bad for them to have to deal with me. Because I was never in my right mind when I had that in my head. I put them through hell, crying to them about my problems that they couldn't do anything about, because they were all internal struggles. showing them my scars hoping they would pity me, and love me because that's all I had wanted in the first place.  When they told me they did Love me, it wasn't enough, and I would end up doing it again, cause I was still hurting so much, it needed to become physical before it made me Mad.

I've thought that I was long past that, especially after having seen a friend get to a place where she was saying she wanted to die. Having cut so deep that we had to call the suicide people to come help her, we were afraid we would lose her.

Even after all that, after all my episodes, I still had the urge to do it a few days ago, because of my brains inability to deal with a new Love/infatuation/crush/obsession. Even after having talked with my new 'love' and sorting some things out, my soul longs to have someone now. Someone right in the moments I need them, which is one of the most selfish things about myself if I'm admitting things. I want someone when I need them, I want to be able to snap my fingers and just have my special someone there with me so I can hug them, hold them, and be completely free of the person I have to be around all other people.

I think realizing these things about myself is the first step in becoming different towards it. Now I just need the help of the people who love me, God, and prayer, and possibly a councillor in the future.


In God, it's all Possible <3

sooo I'm in Hawaii. No big deal.

Anyway, just coming  to the realization that I am incredibly blessed to have this opportunity.

Today we went to a church service in a church about a 5 minute walk from where we are staying. It was amazing. God was so present in that church, it was unbelievable. The singers were ones I could see being artists I hear on Klove (which they have on Maui fyi) It's just so amazing to be in a church where people praise God with all they have, and don't hold things back. They have no need to keep things in the same place, willing to change with the times, and grow their love of God with every step. They had Ipads to show them the lyrics!  Now that is a church that is embracing the times, and adapting them to encourage and allow God to infiltrate.

It was just so amazing to see people so on fire for God. It allowed me to embrace the fact that I know noone else there knows me, and that I can praise God and  not feel like I'm out of place for raising my hands in praise. Honestly there were so many people doing that, that I felt a little out of place NOT doing it.

Today was just an amazing day, and I thank God for the chance to see Himself at work in other places in the world :D!!